SEPTEMBER 2002

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THE RIDE IS TRULY BACK ON!

Hello You!

Everything’s going well and now that I’m in my own private room I can have my own private entertainment - and fuck the telly ‘cos I had a couple of lap dancers come and see me. Best therapy I’d had all day, mate, and fuck knows why you can’t get them on the NHS! At one point the nurse had to come and tell me to keep the music down. I bet that ain’t something they get to say too often up here – ‘Could you turn down the boom box and keep the lap dancers under control, please? Hospital rules. Thanks.’ Ha.

You have to pay for your own telly now in hospital, did you know that? Talk about adding insult to injury! I got a video recorder to go with it, though. And fuck me it was difficult nicking it from the doctors’ room. Those little skinny bastards in the white coats can put up fight when they want to.

Last video I saw was Gangbang Crack Whores Go Anal. Yeah, it was a Disney. Fantastic what they can do with animation these days, innit? Although if I’d really wanted to see Minnie Mouse getting it up the arse I’d have asked, you know what I mean? Still, the sound Donald Duck made when he was having an orgasm was worth the price of admission alone.

But what with one thing and another – and another! – I ain’t had time to watch much telly lately. I’ve had a steady stream of visitors coming through ever since I came to. My old mate Dave Legano – you’ll remember ‘Lone Wolf’ from Stop The Ride – was one of the first to come up and see me after he heard about the crash. I was completely out of it at the time, of course. So Dave came back a week later and told me that the week before he’d driven 50 miles to visit me and they hadn’t let him in cos I was asleep. I went, ‘Dave - I weren’t asleep! That’s called a COMA!’

The kind of shaven headed lumps that have been coming up the corridors to see me have been sending other patients into relapse. I can always tell when Mad Pete or Wish or Mickey Goldtooth are on their way up cos I can hear people falling off crutches and heart monitor machines blowing up as they walk by.

I’ve done an interview for Front magazine all about the accident. It’s out soon, on October the 10th, I think. That should put the record straight after all that crap in the newspapers. Although I have heard that the Front lawyers got awfully twitchy about some of the things I was saying: like me saying I thought that if anyone would have a go at me it would be the Old Bill – which is true, I do think that – and also saying that in my new book The Ride’s Back On, apart from the usual funny stuff there’s also something about police corruption – which is true again, there is. But they’ve cut some bits out. Not to worry, we’ll run the full, uncensored, X-rated version here – well, it is my website, I am 42½ years old and I’ll do what I want! Ha. If you don’t like it, take it up with my mum – she’ll beat you up!

So cos I was moving around a bit more than I should have been – I think when I started break-dancing it did their heads in – they’ve gone and put me in fucking traction! It’s not what I asked for. I think they misheard me. I went, ‘No. I said I’d like attention!’ And cos of one half-deaf doctor I end up in traction. Could’ve been worse, I could’ve asked them to prick a boil. You wouldn’t want them getting that the wrong way round.

Anyway, everything’s for the good and it’s all the better to heal me, so there you go. One thing that is doing me the world of good is Jen talcum-powdering my balls. There’s no medical reason for it – it just seemed like a good idea at the time! I was on the phone to a mate at the same time and when I told him he said, ‘I bet they look like little bon-bons’. I said less of the ‘little’, they look like fucking big bon-bons, mate! Proper shocker when you got to the till at the pick n’ mix and wop them on the scales, I can tell you.

Got to go. I’ve got people sat here getting bored just watching me write. And the doctor wants his pen back.


DAVE COURTNEY OBE


** I’ll be sending regular up-dates to the website so stay tuned, folks –

IN THE NEXT INSTALMENT: Tony Lambrianou, wicked hallucinations, and another mental police story! – DAVE **


DAVE’S NEW BOOK ‘THE RIDE’S BACK ON!’
OUT ON OCTOBER 10TH – VIRGIN BOOKS

 

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